Humans have a very natural habit towards creating ‘Us and Them’, and there can be some quite fickle ways in which we group ourselves and ascribe intentions to those we see as ‘Them’ - even on the flick of a coin! See my previous article. Turns out there is more than just psychology to this. Oxytocin is a drug that is naturally produced in our brain that has been called the “friendly” drug. It’s the drug that makes a mother and baby bond. It’s been said that if everybody had a big shot of oxytocin then all the world's troubles would come to an end immediately.
However there is a dark downside to oxytocin. What makes us friendly to kith and kin can lead to different treatment for those we perceive as ‘Them’. In a Dutch experiment about whether or not we would sacrifice one person to save five people showed that those who were given a boost of oxytocin would be less likely to sacrifice someone of their own group, someone they considered an ‘Us’. But those same people would be more likely to sacrifice someone seen as ‘Them’. So whilst oxytocin leads to behaviour that helps us form and maintain tribes, that same natural cohesion separates us from others. Despite the depressing implications of this, the perception is subject to change and manipulation. ‘Us’ and ‘Them’ are not a fixed groups; they’re fluid. So in negotiation, dispute, or mediation, we can change the perception, get the parties to move forward in a more positive way. Here are examples to help the other party to see you as ‘Us’ rather than ‘Them’. 1. Show empathy - you might not agree with what they other person says but you can show you understand their position. There’s a lot of power in a person feeling like they are being listened to. Sometimes in mediation all one of the party’s wants is to tell their story and be heard. 2. Build rapport - make a call to or meet with the other party, engage in small talk, find out about them, show an interest in what they say. There is an old adage that ‘people buy people’, meaning the personal connection counts for a lot when choosing a supplier. I think that extends to ‘people do deals with people’, regardless of their starting positions. 3. Try to find common ground, however superficial that might seem - try to be seen as part of a ‘group’ that they belong to, whether that is being in the same profession, or your outlook on life. It can serve the function of the ‘old school tie’! 4. Use ‘we’ - when you communicate with the other party, reformulate your language to use ‘we’ more often, and try to avoid accusatory use of ‘you’. Make them feel like they’re in your camp. 5. Act in a way that is likely to build trust, be pleasant to deal with - here are times when being unpleasant and difficult to deal with can win dividends in negotiations and disputes, but they are the exception. Most of the time you merely reinforce the prejudices of how the other side expects ‘Them’ to act. If you’re seen as ‘Us’ then you will be more likely to have a more collaborative approach to resolve whatever the difference between you, and find a better solution. Make Ocytocin work for you, rather than against you. Comments are closed.
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AuthorRichard Marshall is an Accredited Civil and Commercial Mediator with over 25 years experience as a Litigation Solicitor, as well as being a qualified Solicitor-Advocate. He is the founder of Striving to Settle, through which he works as a mediator and provides negotiation training. www.strivingtosettle.co.uk Archives
August 2022
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