3/2/2022 Why are Crying?I can see your tears, I can hear your sobbing, I can empathise with your… with your what? Sorrow? Grief? Joy? Relief? Terrible news? Have you just been given the all clear, or a terminal diagnosis? Truth is that if I don’t know your backstory, I can only guess why you’re crying.
And even the back story has to have context. You just got a C in your A level exam. That might be cause for massive celebration, you’re crying tears of joy. Or you could be distraught that you will not go to the University of your choice. The reason why we need so much information to determine why you’re crying is that humans are very bad at reading emotions. Yes some people have social-emotional agnosia; where they can’t perceive facial expressions, body language and voice intonation. But we don’t need to have a diagnosis to be poor at this skill. In one study people were shown silent videos and asked to say which were experiencing real or fake pain. People couldn’t do it, but the evidence was there; a computer could tell a quite amazing 85% of the time which was which. But we think we can. It’s been shown that people are ready to decide whether an unfamiliar face should be trusted after looking at it for just 200 milliseconds. Even when given a chance to look longer, they rarely changed their mind. And this mis-judgment can have a profound effect. Judges think as a group they are very good at judging character, reading a defendant’s emotions, but research has shown that a Judge is far worse than a computer algorithm at being able to work out which offenders are more likely to abscond or re-offend whilst on bail. So let’s take this into the realms of disputes. We may on the mental equivalent of a flip of a coin decide whether to trust someone. We then have trouble interpreting their emotions behind their words, demeanour or actions. Once we have fallen out, once we have stopped talking it through, once we are in the throws of trading insults, and ascribing foul intentions to each other, how good are we at working out the emotion being shown by the other person? How much does confirmation bias lead us to then read everything in a bad light, including the proffering of an olive branch, or offers to settle? And that’s where the magic of mediation comes in. When a mediator is discussing the position, individually with the parties, there is no ability for the mind to mis-read the other party. When an offer is made, the mediator can discuss, re-frame, help them apply blinkers so that a party can concentrate on their own interests, without worrying about the intentions or ulterior motives of the other side. At the initial joint meeting in a mediation, the parties can get an opportunity to explain how they feel. If this comes out during the one-to-one sessions then the mediator, with that party’s permission, can convey those emotions to the other party. That’s why mediation works. Comments are closed.
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AuthorRichard Marshall is an Accredited Civil and Commercial Mediator with over 25 years experience as a Litigation Solicitor, as well as being a qualified Solicitor-Advocate. He is the founder of Striving to Settle, through which he works as a mediator and provides negotiation training. www.strivingtosettle.co.uk Archives
August 2022
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