18/6/2021 The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read - and how it can help in you in negotiation and mediationI’m currently reading The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (and Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did), by Philippa Perry, the psychotherapist who happens to be married to the artist Grayson Perry. It’s very much worth a read. Given how much of raising a child is about trying to find ways around things, it’s not too much of a surprise to see that the way the book approaches the subject links in with the psychology of negotiation and mediation. One of the exercises in the book is about considering your last disagreement with a loved one. It’s put me very much in mind of the steps within any negotiation or mediation.
The exercise set out in the book goes along the following lines: 1. Acknowledge your feelings, and consider the other person’s feelings, without judging any rights or wrongs about each other’s positions. 2. Speak in ‘I’ statements rather than ‘you’ statements - express how you feel, and avoid make personal accusations. 3. If you can start and maintain a conversation then do, but make sure you reflect on what it is said rather than reacting; if you’re feeling annoyed or angry then pause. 4. If you consider yourself vulnerable within the discussions open up about why, rather than being worried about it. Whilst in a negotiation and mediation that might not be something to disclose to the other side until you have thought it through, but it certainly is something to consider with someone you trust as to why you feel vulnerable. What are your interests and how are they at risk? Are you afraid they are going to shout? What is being the anxiety? 5. Don’t assume the intent of the other person - humans love to do this, but research shows that we’re not very good at it. Instead, try to work out how the other person is feeling, try to put yourself in their shoes. As Phillipa says in her book “understanding your own feelings, and those of the other person you are negotiating with, is not only the cornerstone of negotiations, it is the foundation of of functional relationships…” All of these techniques are directly applicable to negotiations and within mediation, but shows that all of our relationships can benefit from the same thinking. It’s a very useful exercise to go through whenever you are preparing for a negotiation or a mediation – or if you’ve just had a falling out with a loved one. Try it! Comments are closed.
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AuthorRichard Marshall is an Accredited Civil and Commercial Mediator with over 25 years experience as a Litigation Solicitor, as well as being a qualified Solicitor-Advocate. He is the founder of Striving to Settle, through which he works as a mediator and provides negotiation training. www.strivingtosettle.co.uk Archives
August 2022
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